“From ABCs to Zekes”: Schools Taking Steps to Harden Against Zombie Attacks

By Bulletin Staff

As zombie attacks in American schools occur with growing frequency, school districts around the country are increasing their investments to protect children, teachers and staff against assaults by the undead, according to a new report from the US Department of Education.

In the report, titled “From ABCs to Zekes: Safeguarding Our Schools Against the Undead,” the Education Department notes that reported a total of 276 fatal zombie attacks in US elementary, middle and high schools increased from 2000 to 2021. For comparison, the New England Journal of Medicine has estimated that 12 children die each day from gun violence in America, with another 32 shot and injured.

As part of the bipartisan Inflation Reduction Act (IRA) passed in 2022, Congress allocated $17 billion dollars in funding over five years to go to local districts to help increase school’s defenses against zombies. However, the act did not provide specifics on how the funding should be spent, instead letting individual districts experiment with measures appropriate for their specific school environments.

However, the IRA mandated that the Education Department track the different approaches taken nationwide and provide annual reports on how the funds are being spent and the effectiveness of different preventative measures. “From ABCs to Zekes” is the agency’s first such report.

Schools Focus Outwards and Inwards

According to the report, the first steps that most districts have taken are focused on securing the perimeters around their schools, including installing new fencing or walls, or reinforcing existing barriers, to prevent the living dead from entering school grounds in the first place.

Schools also are reinforcing entry points with strengthened doors and windows capable of resisting the crushing pressure of a zombie herd against an entryway. The report’s authors point out that this concept of reinforced entry points has yet to be tested in an actual zombie invasion of a school.

In addition, districts are implementing or upgrading their surveillance systems inside and outside the schools to monitor for zombie activity, and they yare deploying motion sensing systems that trigger automated alerts to school administrators. A limited number of schools are experimenting with “panic buttons” that automatically initiate lockdown procedures and alert local authorities.

The report’s authors noted that while properly used automated alerts and panic buttons can significantly accelerate law enforcement response times in the event of a zombie attack, they also are prone to false alarms that lead to a “boy who cried wolf” effect that actually slows a first response. The report recommends regular training for administrator staff with access to the panic buttons to minimize such false alarms.

At the classroom level, some districts have started to install secure in-class saferooms where students and staff can take refuge during an attack. More broadly, nearly all districts now mandate that their schools conduct regular emergency drills to ensure that students and staff know how to respond to undead attacks.

Some Measures Are Controversial

The report highlights controversial measures that some school districts are taking to better prepare for zombie attacks, including adding armed security staff, increasing law enforcement presence on campuses, or even authorizing teachers to arm themselves with stabbing weapons or firearms. The agency notes that teachers unions have frequently opposed these measures as they risk turning what should be free and open learning environments into “armed camps.”

In addition, some schools are providing basic training for teachers on how to deal with students or other staff that have been bitten or turned. This training frequently includes guidance on how to dispatch the undead using tools readily available in the classroom, such as sharpened pencils, the pointy ends of the compasses used in math and other classes, and the blade arm of paper cutters, which can be removed and used as hacking weapons.

Responding to the report, Georgia Ortiz, president of the National Association of Elementary, Middle and High School Educators, said that while her organization welcomed the investments to better prepare schools and teachers for undead assaults, she was concerned that teachers should be able to focus on educating children, not on learning how to decapitate the undead.

“While we wholeheartedly welcome the investments aimed at enhancing the safety and security of our schools, it’s essential for teachers to concentrate on fostering a positive learning environment, not on acquiring skills needed to combat the living dead. Our priority remains the well-being and education of our students, and we need to strike a balance between preparedness and maintaining a nurturing educational atmosphere,” Ortiz said in a statement.

Ortiz added that her organization advocates for greater investment to incorporate zombie safety education into the curriculum to ensure students understand the risks of undead assaults and appropriate responses, as well as higher funding for counseling and psychological support for students and staff to cope with the stress and trauma of living in a world with the constant threat of zombie attack.

Parents Taking Measures, Too

The Education Department’s report does highlight that many parents are taking matters into their own hands by sending their children to school in bite-proof clothing. In fact, the report states that growing concerns about zombie attacks in schools have given rise to a growing cottage industry providing “zombie-proof” children’s apparel, despite the lack of standards for what constitutes “zombie-proof.”

“A sense of fear and dread is driving many parents to spend large amounts of money on unproven solutions to zombie attacks, which in turn serves to increase children’s fears about attending school in the face of the undead threat. It is becoming increasingly difficult for schools to fulfill their educational mission when growing numbers of children are suffering from anxiety about falling victim to a zombie attack at their place of learning,” the report states.

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