Managing the Growing Risk of Zombie Contamination of the Food Supply

By Bulletin Staff

The increasing number of undead outbreaks in areas of agricultural production and processing is leading to heightened risk of zombie contamination of the food supply, reports a new study from the Food Safety Resilience and Zombie Preparedness Office (FSR-ZPO) of the US Department of Agriculture.

The Centers for Disease Control estimate that each year 48 million people get sick from a foodborne illness, 128,000 are hospitalized and 3,000 die. Currently norovirus tops the list of food contaminants that cause illness every year, according to the CDC, while zombie viruses do not make the agency’s list of the top 31 pathogens causing foodborne illnesses.

But the FSR-ZPO study, titled “Unholy Grains: Protecting Our Food Supply from Zombie Contamination,” points to data indicating the number of instances of zombie contamination of the food supply has been increasing steadily over the past 10 years. In 2010, authorities reported just 37 cases of people falling ill and requiring hospitalization after consuming zombie-contaminated food. By 2021, the most recent year for which data are available, the number had risen to 743.

The study also points to a growing number of food recalls as a result of zombie contamination. While the number of food recalls initiated by the USDA and the Food and Drug Administration have wavered between about 250 and 400 between 2017 and 2022, the number of recalls for due to zombie contamination has increased from just a half-dozen to 37 during that same time period.

The FSR-ZPO links the increasing instances of undead-related food contamination to a rising number of zombie outbreaks in areas of agricultural production and food processing. Data from the CDC’s National Center for Zombie Diseases points to a 237% leap in zombie virus outbreaks in rural farming areas between 2010 and 2021.

The authors of the study emphasized that while any food contamination is serious and can have major public health consequences, zombie contamination is particularly serious because of the exceptionally high mortality rate associated with consuming food despoiled by the undead, which the agency pegged at 97% or higher, and the possibility of zombie-contaminated food resulting in a full-fledge outbreak of the living dead.

“As the world grapples with the relentless rise of the undead, the threat from zombies is no longer confined to the streets of our cities. It now reaches into farms, our grocery stores and our dinner tables,” said Dr. Scarlett Savory, head of the FSR-ZPO. “The growing menace of zombie contamination to our food supply chain demands our commitment to safeguarding the nourishment of our citizens even as we protect them from becoming lunch for the zombie hordes.”

Weak Links in the Supply Chain

FSR-ZPO, which has the explicit mission of protecting the US food supply from zombie contamination, pointed to several vulnerabilities in the nation’s food supply chain that leave it open to exposure to the undead.

In the farming sector, open fields provide zombies with easy access to areas where crops are grown. Once in a field, zombies present an immediate threat to agriculture workers, but they also may be caught up in farm equipment unbeknownst to the operators of the machinery, resulting in contamination of harvested foods.

Likewise, food processing facilities can be vectors of opportunity for zombies as the workforces at processing plants present a readily available food source for the undead. While workers may be subject to zombie attack in the vicinity of a food plant, the FSR-ZPO study highlighted that the access controls present at such facilities would generally be sufficient to guard against one of the living dead simply walking into an area where food was being processed.

The greater risk would come from a worker who had been bitten, but not yet turned, entering a facility, completing the zombification process within the plant, and then contaminating the facility’s output, such as by falling undetected into a mixing vat or grinding machinery.

Following processing, food is also vulnerable to zombie contamination during transportation all the way to the local grocery store. Zombies pose a known threat to truck drivers and delivery personnel, and contaminated transportation vehicles can spread zombie-related pathogens throughout the supply chain, including to warehouse or store staff charged with food handling.

The FSR-ZPO study pointed out that retail locations also present opportunities for zombie contamination within the store environment. For example, meat, cold cuts and seafood products presented in food display cases could be contaminated by a zombified store employee before the undead individual is quarantined or eliminated by other store personnel.

Finally, the study noted that, as federal and local governments devote increasing resources to combating the zombie threat, overwhelmed authorities may struggle to balance food safety with zombie safety. For example, authorities may struggle to conduct proper food safety checks in areas with high zombie activity. Governments also need to consider how they will balance food safety with the imperative of ensuring sufficient food supply in times of shortages resulting from outbreaks.

Countering the Zombie Contamination Threat

In its report, the FSR-ZPO offered several recommendations that farmers, food processors and others involved in the food supply chain can take to minimize the chance of zombie contamination, starting with improving perimeter security and access control.

For instance, while food production facilities, processing plants and storage warehouses typically have already put in place measures to prevent unauthorized entry by living humans, they should also consider steps specifically to interdict zombies.

As an example, the agency points out that guard dogs may be effective at deterring entry by the living, they are ineffective against zombies and may themselves fall victim to the undead. Instead, the study suggests employing guard dogs specifically trained to detect but not attack zombie intruders.

Likewise, simple barbwire fencing can be effective against a living human intruder as well as an individual zombie. But a large enough herd of zombies can exert sufficient pressure to buckle a fence, and even concertina wire is effective at entangling only the first wave of undead. Instead, the report recommends buttressing existing fencing, switching to sturdier barriers of concrete or metal, or adding trenches as a first line of defense along the outside of the fence line.

The report also recommended implementing surveillance systems with alarms to detect and respond to intrusions promptly, noting the growing number of security service vendors offering systems specifically designed to prevent zombie intrusions.

Other recommendations included:

• Employee Safety and Training: The FSR-ZPO advised adding zombie awareness, self-defense and emergency response procedures to existing training for food industry workers and providing protective gear such as zombie-resistant clothing to workers.
• Contamination Detection: The report highlighted current private-sector initiatives to develop and deploy technologies to test for and identify signs of zombie contamination, such as zombie bodily fluids or pathogens. The agency called for greater public-private partnership and government investments in research to develop better testing technologies and processes.
• Packaging and Sealing: The FSR-ZPO recommended that the USDA work with the Consumer Product Safety Commission to review current packaging and sealing methods to ensure that food products remain uncontaminated by zombies during storage and transport.
• Supply Chain Security: The report pointed to existing initiatives by the Department of Transportation to review zombie threats to transportation and secure distribution networks.
• Public Communication: The agency called for greater consumer education about the risks of zombie contamination, including guidance on safe food handling during zombie outbreaks. The report advocated greater emphasis on the “smell something, say something” approach, which encourages consumers to report suspected spoiled food products that might have been contaminated by zombies.
• Reporting and Information Sharing: The FSR-ZPO called for establishing a system of information sharing on zombie activities that encompasses all the participants in the food supply chain, as well as a whistle-blower program that encourages food industry workers to report potential zombie contamination to relevant authorities without fear of losing their jobs.

In her statement accompanying the release of the study, Dr. Savory said that the report marked a significant milestone in the nation’s collective efforts to ensure that, even in the face of zombie threats, the country’s food supply remains safe and reliable. “Our mission is clear: to fortify the defenses of the food supply chain, uphold the trust of consumers and navigate the uncharted terrain of food safety in this new zombie-filled reality,” Dr. Savory concluded.

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