By Bulletin Staff
Using e-cigarettes, colloquially known as “vaping,” carries serious health risks, but until now it was not thought that those risks included being turned into a zombie.
However, a new report from the nonprofit Zombie-Resistant Living Research Center (ZRLRC) has raised the possibility that so-called “zomb-e-cigarettes” contaminated with the undead virus could cause a vaper to turn into a zombie.
Vaping Rising Faster Than the Undead
E-cigarettes use a battery to heat a liquid, creating an aerosol that users inhale. According to the American Heart Association, even non-zombie contaminated e-cigarettes deliver nicotine, already shown to negatively affect a user’s health. E-cigarettes also can contain a host of other potentially harmful chemicals and substances, ranging from coloring and flavors to THC, glycol and glycerol, and metals from the heating coil.
The health risks associated with vaping include “lung and other organ damage, breathing problems, addiction and more,” according to the Cleveland Clinic. “People tend to think of vaping as ‘safer’ than smoking, but it’s not safe,” the Clinic says on its webpage about vaping’s dangers.
Vape sales have increased markedly over the past several years, rising by 46.6% between January 2020 and December 2022, from 15.5 million units to 22.7 million units, according to a recent study. At the same time, the Associated Press reports that the US market has seen a surge of unauthorized e-cigarettes hitting the market.
“Good” News, Bad News
Using a grant from the National Center for Zombie Diseases, part of the Centers for Disease Control, the ZRLRC analyzed the contents of 269 different “official” e-cigarette brands currently on the US market for traces of zombie virus or other zombie contaminants. The researchers also analyzed 129 e-cigarettes that had been seized by law enforcement agencies and were suspected of being counterfeits.
The analyses showed that none of the 269 “official” products contained any zombie virus or zombie contaminants, although they contained a range of the potentially harmful chemicals already known to be in vaping products. So these products may ultimately kill a user, but won’t necessarily turn the vaper into a zombie. That’s the “good” news.
The bad news: Of the 129 suspected counterfeits, 13 of the products analyzed contained traces of zombie virus, while another 21 contained trace amounts of zombie bodily fluids or other “biological substances” thought to be from the undead, such as skin, bone or hair.
Zombification Risks Unclear
In their report, titled “Analysis of E-Cigarettes in the Context of Zombie Contamination,” the researchers did not speculate on how the contaminants found their way into the tainted illegal e-cigarettes. They also did not test whether the zombie contaminants in the counterfeit vapes could have been inhaled if the e-cigarettes were employed by a human who used the product, or what the effects on the inhaler could be.
“Research has shown that the known zombie viruses can be killed by exposing them to temperatures at or below the temperature that an e-cigarette uses to create the aerosol that a user inhales. So it is possible that any zombie contaminants in a vape might have no impact on the user. However, follow-up research will be necessary to confirm that this is the case,” said Walker Vanquisher, director of the ZRLRC in the organization’s statement about the study.
Vanquisher added that the second-hand effects of vaping with zombie-contaminated e-cigarettes are unclear but also warrants study. “We need to take a comprehensive approach to studying the impact of these products and the threat they pose to vapers and those around them, including the threat that vaping could lead to a zombie outbreak,” he said.
The report further highlighted the growing popularity of vaping among young people, despite state-level laws restricting the sale of e-cigarettes to children. “The widespread availability of e-cigarettes with flavors that children find enticing, combined with the fact that underage vape users may be drawn to cheap illegal products, increases the risk of a vape-related outbreak of the undead among the nation’s vulnerable youth,” the researchers state.
Zomb-e-Cigarette Risk “Should Give One Pause”
The idea of vapes that can turn users into zombies has been a part of popular culture for as long as e-cigarettes have existed. So-called “zomb-e-cigarettes” have figured in Hollywood movies like “The Unlifenment” and songs like “Smoke Me a Zombie” by the death metal band “12 Seconds to Undead.” But the ZRLRC study is the first research to demonstrate an actual zombie-related risk from vaping.
Richard Zinkletter, a professor of zombie physiology at the University of Watford in North Dakota, said that the study’s findings should serve as a warning to anyone who vapes or is considering vaping, especially those not deterred by the ample research already available showing e-cigarettes’ deleterious effects on the health of their users.
“If it’s not enough that e-cigarette users risk asthma, lung scarring, organ damage, cancer and death by explosion, even the slightest risk that vaping could result in your zombification should give one pause before choofing,” Zinkletter said.
Note: The Bulletin of the Zombie Scientists is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons (living, dead or living dead), actual organizations or actual events is entirely coincidental. See our About page and our Origin Story.
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