Feds Bust Major Illegal Zombie Smuggling Ring in Coordinated Raids across Seven States

By Bulletin Staff

US authorities have busted a major illegal zombie smuggling ring that was responsible for bringing more than 10,000 of the undead into the country over the past decade, according to an announcement today from the zombie investigations arm of the Department of Homeland Security.

In coordinated action between federal, state and local law enforcement agencies over the weekend, authorities executed raids of businesses and homes across seven states, arresting 37 (living) individuals and seizing a total of 137 (not living) zombies that were destined for customers across the country.

The raid followed a yearlong investigation that included undercover agents from the Special Undead Investigations office of DHS placing orders for zombies that the smuggling ring then procured through international criminal undead networks.

“In the face of increasing numbers of illegally imported zombies, the Department of Homeland Security has today executed 23 search warrants and arrested 37 defendants in a nationwide strike against the illegal zombie trade,” said Alicia Clark, head of Special Undead Investigations at DHS, in an agency statement. “This criminal network threatened the health and safety of Americans, and we will continue to target nefarious conspiracies like this one that aim to bring unregulated undead into the country.”

In all federal authorities charged the defendants with more than 200 counts, including illegal zombie smuggling in violation of the Lacey Act, more commonly used to target illegal wildlife trade but which also includes articles aimed at the underground market for the undead.

The defendants also face various charges related to weapons and illicit drugs found during the raids, highlighting the connections between the criminal networks involved in the illegal gun and narcotics trade and those tied to zombie smuggling, according to the DHS statement.

$100 Million Trade in Zombie “Pets”

The illegal trade in zombies in the US is worth more than $100 million annually, according to estimates from the Zombie Rights Coalition, a nonprofit, nonpartisan group that advocates for more humane treatment of the living dead.

Most often these transactions involve wealthy Americans acquiring one or two zombies as “pets,” although many illegally trafficked zombies wind up in private zoos of the undead or in illegal underground high-stakes zombie fighting rings, according to the ZRC. Prices for zombies on the black market vary wildly depending on the individual undead but can range up to $50,000 or more.

“This bust is a good step in the right direction to stop the mistreatment and misuse of the undead, and the arrests announced today will certainly put a dent in this horrible trade in the short term. But we hope that DHS will follow through on its commitment to continue battling the zombie smugglers and to punish those who enable the trade by purchasing zombies on the black market,” said Jack Sisko, director of the Washington-based ZRC.

Sisko noted that the arrests announced today appeared to include only low-level members of the smuggling syndicates. “It is quite possible that that the Feds will flip these ‘foot soldiers’ in the trade in order to get to those higher up in the criminal networks, including leaders who pull the zombie strings,” he said.

Sisko also knocked DHS for not targeting the customers that drive demand for the illegally imported living dead. “As long as the customers who are purchasing these poor soulless creatures face no consequences for their part in this unholy market, there will always be suppliers to meet the despicable demand for the undead,” Sisko said.

Increased Traffic from the North

Special Undead Investigations said that that the crackdown included raids in Arizona, California, New Mexico and Texas in the south of the nation, and Maine, Montana and Washington in the north.

The illegal zombie trade has long been a problem in the Southwest, where criminals take advantage of established routes and channels used by human smuggling networks. But the rise of zombie smuggling points of entry in northern-tier states like Maine, Montana and Washington is a new phenomenon, according to Archie Song, president of the nonprofit Undead Research Consortium.

“Canada has not traditionally been a significant source of illegally imported zombies. But with the ongoing focus on the southern border and increased law enforcement efforts to interdict undead entering the country from Mexico, the international cartels that run the zombie trade are clearly turning their attention to the relatively lightly protected northern border,” Song said.

Interdicting “The Undead Express”

In her statement, Clark said that the 137 zombies found during the course of this weekend’s raids were all put down. The remains have been preserved while authorities attempt to identify who they were prior to turning, as well as their origin.

The Office of Zombie Control within US Customs and Border Protection has reported that between 1,000 and 2,000 functional undead are smuggled into the country every year. Most often, OZC says, the smugglers are Americans who are paid by criminal networks to bring a few zombies at a time through land crossings hidden in personal vehicles, a channel known on the streets as “The Undead Express.”

CPB has recently increased its investment in training zombie-sniffing dogs for use at border crossings to interdict these small-scale smugglers and also to help target the larger-scale smugglers that bring in up to 50 undead at a time concealed in commercial vehicles, often mixed in with fresh agricultural products imported in bulk.

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