Zombie-related Human Deaths Tied to Extreme Heatwaves Will Triple by 2050 – Report

By Bulletin Staff

The number of zombie-related human deaths linked to extreme heatwaves will triple by 2050 even as the warming weather itself causes more humans to die, according to a new report published in the journal Climate and Zombies.

The study builds on research published in the journal Circulation that found that number of cardiovascular deaths linked to extreme heat will increase by 162% by midcentury as rising temperatures put greater strain on the human body.

In their Climate and Zombies article, the authors Jamal Ziad, Robert Finch and Colleen Singh predict that the increased number of human deaths due to extreme heat will be accompanied by a greater number of human deaths due to zombie-related causes.

Extreme heatwaves in the US currently are accompanied by spikes in human deaths tied to the undead, according to statistics from the National Center for Zombie Diseases, the branch of the Centers for Disease Control that tracks deaths caused by the living dead.

Climatozombologists attribute these spikes to the general increase in deaths during high-temperature events: The greater the number of people expiring in a heatwave, the more people zombify and go on to attack the living, zombifying still more in a deadly cycle of zombification.

Generally, however, extreme heat is a factor in less than 1% of overall zombie-related deaths at present. That’s set to change as climate change increases the frequency and intensity of extreme heat episodes, Ziad et al believe, citing several reasons driving this conclusion.

First and most obvious, based on the 162% increase in human mortality discussed in the Circulation article, the growing number of extreme heatwaves will create even more candidates for zombification, which will in turn lead to what Ziad and his co-authors call an “outbreak flywheel effect.”

Under this “flywheel” model, every 1% increase in human mortality will result in double that percentage increase in the number of zombies that result from an extreme heat event. In part, the authors suggest that high temperatures make the most vulnerable – the unhoused, the unairconditioned, the elderly – even more vulnerable, physically, to zombie attack.

“Extreme heatwaves weaken human populations by causing heat-related illnesses, dehydration and exhaustion. As humans become physically and mentally impaired due to extreme heat, they become less capable of defending themselves against zombie attacks,” the researchers write.

Ziad and his colleagues also postulate that as temperatures rise and the living seek shelter from the heat in cooler areas, inside buildings or in shaded zones, the undead will be naturally seek out those sheltered areas, where they will find higher-than-normal concentrations of their preferred food source: humans.

The report also points to additional research that suggests that, just as extreme heat can cause discomfort and irritability in humans, it might have a similar effect on zombies, making them more agitated and prone to aggressively violent behavior. This heightened aggression could lead to more frequent and determined attacks on humans.

Pointing to the expected increase in the duration of extreme periods of heat in the decades ahead, the researchers suggest that extended heatwaves will exacerbate stress and tension among the living, causing breakdowns in cooperation and community cohesion. “This will inevitably lead to less effective zombie defense strategies, making it easier for the undead to breach human defenses and launch attacks,” they write.

They also note that extreme heatwaves strain law enforcement and medical resources as they deal with the impacts of the heat on the general population, rescuing the afflicted and managing increased human-on-human conflict. This strain will necessarily reduce the capacity of these first responders to effectively prevent undead assaults and contain outbreaks of the infected.

The authors offer a few proposals for how communities can mitigate the effects of extreme heatwaves with the goal of limiting the increase in zombie-related deaths.

For example, they suggest increasing the number of zombie-hardened community cooling centers open to the vulnerable during extreme heat episodes. Simple zombie-proof entryways and windows can be combined with staff training to distinguish between humans who are suffering from heat exposure and zombies who are jonesing for human flesh.

Areas that attract children during periods of high heat should also be a target for hardening, which can be as simple as installing zombie-resistance fencing or trenches around splash pads, the report suggests.

Ultimately, the report concludes, the best way to deal with the zombie-related risks of extreme heat is to decrease the incidence and intensity of heatwaves. The authors recommend communities invest in heat-resistant infrastructure, such as cool roofs, heat-reflective pavement and green spaces to reduce the urban heat island effect, with an eye toward lowering overall temperatures in population centers.

“Preventing a zombie apocalypse requires cool heads, and unless and until we can put a halt to the global climate crisis, we won’t be able to stop the steady march of the undead across our world,” the authors write. “If we continue to turn our planet into a living hell, it will eventually become Heaven on Earth for the living dead.”

Like this kind of content? Subscribe to receive blog posts from the Bulletin of the Zombie Scientists in your Inbox or in the Reader app as they are published.

More Recent Posts

• Administration Weighs Deploying Undead to “Purify Woke Cities”
• President Fires Zombie Statistics Bureau Chief After Reported Rise in Undead Numbers
• Zombies of Different Generations Drawn to Different “Places of Meaning,” Study Finds
• “Z Visa” Program Would Let Wealthy Buy US Entry for Their Undead Relatives
• 6 Weeks after “Liberation Day,” Tariffs Still Loom for “Zombia”

Note: The Bulletin of the Zombie Scientists is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons (living, dead or living dead), actual organizations or actual events is entirely coincidental. See our About page and our Origin Story.