Regulators Knock Conditions at Strategic Zombie Reserve’s Nevada Containment Facility

By Bulletin Staff

Federal inspectors from the Justice Department this week released a report critical of conditions at the Nevada Containment Facility operated as part of the nation’s Strategic Zombie Reserve, citing crowded and unsafe storage conditions for the undead kept at the site and inadequate staffing.

A surprise inspection in August by DoJ’s inspector general found containment cells packed with two to three times as many zombies as allowed under federal guidelines governing the facility, which is operated by the department’s Bureau of Undead Detention (BUD).

The watchdog’s report also cited poor staff training and lower than required staffing levels, which it said exposed the facility’s workforce and the general public to elevated risk, including risk of an outbreak within the site or a breakout by the undead into the surrounding community of Mercury, Nevada, and beyond.

The IG’s report on the Nevada facility comes in the same week that the watchdog issued a report citing alarming conditions at a women’s detention center for living humans in Florida.

Undead Crushing Their Own

The government set up the Nevada Containment Facility in 1950 to support the Nevada Test Site (NTS), where the US conducted more than 900 nuclear tests between 1951 and 1992. The containment facility held undead that were used as part of the testing program at the NTS, now known as the Nevada National Security Site (NNSS).

The site was originally designed to hold no more than 200 of the living dead, but over the years the population of zombies at the facility has grown to more than 500 as the government shut down similar facilities in other parts of the country for cost cutting purposes and in response to the “No Undead in My Backyard” (“NUMBY”) movement.

While BUD has invested in expanding the facility, the total square footage of containment space has grown only by about 50% compared to the more than doubling of the undead population housed at the Mercury site. As a result, inspectors found that containment cells intended to hold no more than 20 individual undead often had between 40 and 60 zombies packed into them.

“The undead were packed so tightly in one cell that it was impossible to get an accurate count of the individuals inside, and it appeared that the undead were systematically trampling their own members, including crushing the skulls of many underfoot, creating a gooey, slippery mess on the floor of the cell, as well as an unholy stench unlike anything the inspectors had ever experienced,” the IG’s report said.

The inspectors also revealed that, in several cases, they found male and female zombies held in the same cell in violation of federal guidelines for the containment of the undead.

Too Many Zombies, Not Enough Security Staff

The report also makes clear that the Nevada site is short-staffed, especially among the security personnel that are specially trained to handle the undead.

“Inspectors found that in many cases staff with no training in handling zombies are being used to guard the undead. Office workers, maintenance staff and cafeteria personnel are being tasked with escorting [undead] subjects around the facility or providing transportation for zombies to and from the site,” the report said.

“The use of untrained personnel to carry out security tasks creates enormous undo risk to the workforce. In the past five years alone, four staff members have been bitten, with two of them requiring emergency amputation of infected limbs and, tragically, the other two needing to be put down after they turned,” the IG report added.

The inspectors also raised concerns about the possibility of an outbreak within the facility leading to a broader crisis should the undead escape the containment site and make their way into the surrounding community.

“It is not inconceivable that escaped zombies from Mercury could make their way to State Route 95 to the south and thereafter march on Las Vegas, gathering in numbers as they approach the city, creating a disastrous crisis situation,” the report warns.

“Undead Are an Easy Target for Cuts”

Alan DeMoro, a researcher with the Romero Institute for Zombie Studies, said that Congress has perennially underfunded the Strategic Zombie Reserve and its affiliated containment facilities. “When they’re looking for dollars to trim from the budget, the undead are an easy target for cuts,” he said.

DeMoro noted that, while the Bureau of Undead Detention had issued a report in 2021 calling for $3 billion in investments to improve its network of containment facilities, Congress has thus far approved less than 5% of that amount in additional funding for updates and improvements.

“The undead have no voice and no friends in Washington,” DeMoro said. “Last I checked, there are no lobbying firms making the case for better treatment of zombies, and no member of Congress wants to get primaried by a challenger for being ‘soft on the undead.’”

In response to the report, the Zombie Rights Coalition, which advocates for more humane treatment of the living dead, issued a statement titled “Hey BUD, Let’s Depart, Eh?” that blasted conditions at the Nevada facility and called on the bureau to shut down the site and move the interned zombies to other facilities.

“The trauma that the undead have suffered in becoming zombies should not be compounded by additional suffering while they are being held in involuntary confinement. If we would not keep the living in these conditions, we should not keep the living dead in such circumstances either,” the ZRC statement read.

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