Shortage of Zombie Scientists Puts US at Risk, New Report Claims

By Bulletin Staff

Zombie scientists in the US are retiring from the field or being devoured by the living dead at a faster pace than the nation’s universities can graduate the next generation of undead researchers, creating a critical shortage of these essential experts needed to effectively prosecute the country’s war on the unholy dead.

That’s the conclusion of a new report from the non-partisan Center for Strategic Zombie Studies (CSZS), which also warns that the increasing shortage of zombie scientists could see the US fall behind key rivals like Russia and China in its ability to combat the zombie scourge.

“The zombie science gap is real and growing, and the nation is at risk of becoming a second-tier player in how we address the ongoing threat to society from the living dead among us,” said Javier Fearington, executive director of the center, in a statement accompanying the release of the report.

Retirements and Casualties Outstrip Graduates

According to the CSZS report, between 2018 and 2022, more than 12,000 zombie scientists retired from the field, while some 3,000 were “killed on the job” by the undead during their research. That latter group includes scientists who were infected through lab accidents and those who were eaten to one degree or another by zombies in the field.

At the same time, the nation’s 32 universities offering recognized degrees in zombie science graduated only about 8,000 students in the field during that same period. Moreover, US universities awarded fewer than 500 doctoral degrees in zombie science over that time period.

Meanwhile, China alone graduated more than 45,000 students with zombie science degrees in those five years, including more than 4,000 doctoral degrees awarded. The same figures for Russia, which has a population less than half that of the US, were 15,000 and 1,000, according to the CSZS report.

Zombie Science Rising in China

Lionel Burymore, an expert in zombie science education with the Center for Undead Research, said that the number of Ph.D.’s graduating in the different countries is significant because it reflects the relative priority that nations place on finding solutions to the unique challenges posed by the living dead.

“China is making huge investments in its cadre of scientists to address the zombie plague, and they’re backing that up by also investing heavily in basic zombie research. The downstream effect is that many of the most significant innovations in undead defenses will be coming out of China in the years to come,” Burymore said.

He added: “Will China share those innovations with the US and the broader global community? Maybe, if they see it as being in their strategic interests. But if they instead decide that it’s to their benefit to withhold some of those advances, it could potentially put the US at a strategic disadvantage in our ability to counter zombie outbreaks.”

Image Problem for Zombie Science

The CSZS report cites several reasons for the increase in zombie scientists leaving the field and the decline in the number of students studying zombie science, first and foremost being the hazardous working conditions inherent in the field. “The constant danger and perilous conditions in zombie-infested areas has led many researchers to seek safer environments for their work,” the report finds.

The report also pointed to a decline in federal funding for undead research in the US. “Funding for zombie science has suffered as Congress has increasingly prioritized spending on military solutions as well as rebuilding efforts in areas stricken by outbreaks. As a result, zombie scientists have fewer opportunities to pursue the kinds of research projects that attracted them to the field in the first place.”

At the same time, today’s high school graduates have grown up with a regular media diet of content highlighting the hazards of zombie science, including the all-too-common videos showing scientists being torn apart by ravenous hordes – not the best recruiting videos for the field. “Zombie science suffers from an image problem: To be blunt, it’s an image soaked in blood and with half-eaten limbs,” the CSZS says.

The center argues that the consequences of this “brain drain” in zombie science will be profound and far-reaching if not checked soon.

“The exodus of these experts disrupts ongoing research initiatives crucial for understanding the zombie virus, its behavior and potential methods for containment or cure. This disruption also stalls progress in developing effective strategies to combat the undead threat, leaving the American public vulnerable and ill-equipped to face the ongoing crisis,” Fearington says in his statement.

Address the Brain Drain or Get Our Brains Eaten

To address the declining number of zombie scientists, the center recommends providing better support systems, both psychologically and materially, for researchers involved in field work in outbreak areas. The report calls on Congress to increase federal investments in the basic research to ensure that zombie scientists have the resources they need to enable society to respond to the undead menace.

CSZS also urges the Department of Education and private foundations to increase the number of scholarships they make available to students who choose to major in zombie science or pursue their doctoral studies in the field. Finally, the center suggests increasing the number of H1Z visas available for foreign zombie specialists to take research and science positions at US companies and institutions.

“The decline in zombie science expertise in the nation is leaving the American public at greater and greater risk. Urgent measures are needed to support and retain scientists currently in the field and to ensure that the future ranks of zombie scientists continue to grow,” the center writes.

The report concludes: “We either invest in our zombie science community to overcome the current brain drain, or we face a future in which we have no way to stop the undead from eating our brains.”

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