Trump’s Evisceration of Zombie Research “Puts Americans at Risk,” Experts Warn

By Bulletin Staff

The Trump administration has made sweeping cuts to funding for zombie science research, defunding dozens of studies and projects aimed at mitigating the undead threat, in a move that experts say heightens the danger that the living dead pose to living Americans.

The White House announced in late February that it planned to review all of the government’s zombie-related activities and would eliminate any programs or initiatives that it deemed out of step with the administration’s views on the undead menace.

“Americans are sick and tired of ‘woke’ zombie ideologies perpetuated by Marxist extremist losers, and the Great United States Government under President Trump will defund fake zombie science,” the White House said in its statement at the time. “Together we will Make America Zombie Free Again!!”

President Trump has appointed several well-known zombie virus skeptics to his administration, including Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Kennedy has consistently promoted widely debunked zombie-related conspiracy theories, including that zombification is caused by mercury in vaccines and poor diet.

Kennedy has been critical of zombie science for years and has advocated for eliminating funding for government research into the undead, calling for defunding what he has called “the deep zombie state.”

Headshot for Zombie Diseases Center

On the morning of March 12, the Kennedy-led HHS sent an email to all 1,700 employees of the National Center for Zombie Diseases (NCZD), part of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), notifying them that their employment was being “terminated for cause due to poor performance, effective immediately.”

NCZD staffers who showed up at the center’s offices that day found their access badges didn’t work. More than two dozen zombie scientists took to social media to express dismay that they were unable to access their labs to ensure that undead test subjects were secured in the event the researchers could not return to work.

The union representing NCZD staff immediately filed a lawsuit in federal court challenging the mass layoff on the grounds that it violated laws governing the civil service and also threatened the security of the public since the agency’s staff is principally responsible for coordinating the government’s scientific response to zombie outbreaks.

“The administration’s illegal and nonsensical firing of the very zombie scientists with the most experience responding to and containing flareups of the undead virus puts Americans at risk and will lead directly to the death and zombification of countless innocents,” the union warned.

DOGE Burger in Zombie Paradise

The hazards posed by the layoffs came immediately into focus later on March 12 when staffers for the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) entered an NCZD lab in Atlanta, Georgia, intending to access personnel files for the agency’s employees. The staffers were reported missing after they failed to check in with superiors later that day.

Federal authorities have not commented on the fate of the DOGE staffers, but sources with local law enforcement confirmed that NCZD surveillance video shows DOGE employees entering a secure undead containment area and – apparently inadvertently – releasing a group of rage zombies that quickly devoured the efficiency-seeking living.

“You can see them playing around with all the computers and equipment in the lab, just randomly pushing buttons and fiddling with knobs. And then the door to the containment cell springs open and all these zekes spill out and feast on a DOGE burger,” one of the sources said.

Since then DOGE separately announced that all research projects currently funded by the NCZD were being canceled. As of Sunday evening, the Zombie Diseases Center’s page on the CDC website was no longer available, along with access to the center’s Zombifact research portal.

Additional cuts have impacted zombie science at various other government departments, including:

• Department of Agriculture: Studies to develop new methods for preventing undead contamination of the food supply.
• Department of Defense: Research into technologies and techniques for fighting undead combatants on the battlefield.
• Department of Homeland Security: All undead-related initiatives other than a project focused on preventing zombie immigration.
• Department of State: Programs for monitoring the zombie virus around the world and assisting other governments in preventing the spread of outbreaks.
• Environmental Protection Agency: Studies examining zombie contamination of the environment, including in waterways and water supplies.

Cuts “Heighten Public’s Risk of Zombification”

The Romero Institute for Zombie Studies, the nation’s leading private zombie-focused research organization, issued a statement on April 13 condemning the cuts and pointing to the potential risks of defunding projects aimed at mitigating the risk of a zombie apocalypse.

“Zombie scientists are at the forefront of the ongoing war with the living dead, and they conduct their research at great personal risk for the sole purpose of preventing the annihilation of humanity at the hands of the undead,” the institute’s statement read.

The statement continued: “Recklessly eliminating critical zombie research not only heightens the public’s risk of zombification, it also plays into the hands of our nation’s global adversaries, who would be more than happy to see the United States overrun by the zombie hordes.”

The day after the institute issued its statement, the Trump administration announced that it was cutting off all research grants for projects at the research group, while the president issued a social media post calling on the Justice Department to investigate what he called “the ZOMBIE-LOVING Romero So-Called Institute for ILLEGAL Studies.”

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