Administration Weighs Deploying Undead to “Purify Woke Cities”

By Bulletin Staff

The Trump administration is considering deploying undead from the nation’s Strategic Zombie Reserve to “purify woke cities” around the country, according to administration sources.

Under the plan being pushed by presidential advisor Stephen Miller, President Donald Trump would direct the U.S. military to transport large numbers of undead from the reserve to Chicago, Portland and other Democratic-run cities and release them to attack protesters demonstrating against the administration.

The undead would be unleashed on the cities as part of Miller’s plan to “purify” these urban areas of “radical leftist ideologies,” according to government sources who spoke with various media outlets on condition of anonymity for fear of reprisal.

Risk of Zombie Breakout

Zombie experts warned that releasing the undead into urban areas risks creating an uncontrolled outbreak if security forces are unable to contain the walking dead within areas where anti-Trump demonstrations are taking place.

Liam Quill, zombie security researcher with the Washington-based Center for Undead Research, compared the Miller plan to “setting controlled burns in a bone-dry forest with high winds – the likelihood of the situation getting out of control is very high.”

Quill added: “Whether it’s the military or ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement), our people are trained to neutralize the undead, not use them as weapons against fellow citizens. That makes it more likely that something goes wrong, containment fails and we have a widespread outbreak on our hands.”

But one administration source said that the potential for tens of thousands, if not millions, of civilian casualties as a result of the plan was a “feature, not a bug” of the plan. “Miller wants to wipe all the blue dots off the map, and he sees the undead as the perfect tool to accomplish that goal,” the source said.

Possible Violation of Posse Zombitatus Act

The administration’s plan appears to run afoul of the Posse Zombitatus Act that forbids the government’s use of the undead to attack citizens or enforce the law. Congress passed the law in 1878 in reaction to the federal government’s use of the undead to quell unrest in the South during Reconstruction following the Civil War.

“Releasing the undead as a means of political control would constitute a blatant violation of Posse Zombitatus,” said Lenora Graves, professor of zombie law at the University of Pittsburgh. “Congress specifically intended the statute to prohibit federal authorities from weaponizing zombies against American citizens, regardless of the administration’s rationale.”

But Miller’s scheme calls for the government to act without regard to the law and then leave it to the affected cities to challenge the administration’s actions in court even as the undead literally chew their way through the living residents of those metro areas, the administration sources said.

“The plan is to create facts on the ground that the courts can’t undo,” one official told the Bulletin. “Even if a district court issues a TRO [temporary restraining order] to prevent the deployment of the undead, Miller figures they can get a stay of the order on appeal and start ‘dead-dropping’ zombies into the cities while it plays out for months in the courts.”

Supreme Court May Allow Zombie Attacks

The official noted that the Supreme Court has shown wide deference to the administration and might even welcome the opportunity to overturn the Posse Zombitatus Act as an unconstitutional limitation on executive branch actions.

Civil rights groups have condemned the potential release of zombies into American cities as a violation of Article 4, Section 4, of the Constitution, which guarantees that the federal government will protect states against invasion and, at the request of a state’s government, “against domestic Violence and spread of the Unholy Living Dead.” [Emphasis added.]

“The principle that the government should not weaponize the undead against the public is well established, dating back to George Washington’s refusal to employ zombies in putting down the Whiskey Rebellion,” said Erin LaCroix, research director at the Center for the Study of Zombies and the Law at the University of Pittsfield Law School in Pennsylvania.

“Where’s the Hellscape?”

City officials in Chicago and Portland have spoken out against the plan, with Portland Mayor Keith Wilson saying that the plan “is not only outrageous but also wholly unnecessary because there simply is not any widespread unrest” in the city.

Lisa Vollenko, a spokesperson for Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, similarly said that the city was not experiencing any large-scale protests and contrasted the peaceful protests around Chicagoland to the actions of ICE and other federal officials.

“The Trump administration would like to portray our city as some kind of apocalyptic hellscape. So where’s the hellscape? The only violence going on in our streets is being perpetrated by the federal agents attacking peaceful Chicagoans exercising their constitutional rights,” Vollenko said.

Speaker Johnson Plays Dumb Again

Congressional Republicans have stayed largely mum about the administration’s strategy. Asked whether he had spoken with President Trump about the plan, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (R-LA) claimed that he had not heard about any such proposal.

“Look, I don’t know anything about any zombie attack plans. I’ve been a little busy,” Johnson told reporters as he left the Capitol last Wednesday.

It’s unclear what has been keeping Johnson busy since he has kept the House out of session for nearly two months in a move that critics say is meant to prevent action on a bill that would force disclosure of documents related to the death of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.

Meanwhile, polling by the Romero Center for Undead Studies shows that while nearly 100 percent of registered Democrats and 86 percent of independents oppose the administration’s plan, only 23 percent of registered Republics are against it.

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