By Bulletin Staff
President Trump yesterday ordered the US government to use the term “super zombie” instead of “intelligent zombie” to refer to the new breed of brainiac brain-eaters currently being pursued by researchers in the US and around the globe.
In rolling out an executive order titled “Inaugurating the Era of Super Zombies” at a press event in the Oval Office, the president positioned the renaming as necessary to ensure the US remains a leader in the pursuit of new and improved living dead.
The executive order (EO) argues that the phrase “intelligent zombie,” or “IZ,” inadequately describes the potential capabilities of undead now being developed. The next generation of undead will be “better, stronger, faster” than today’s living dead, the EO states.
The administration therefore presents “Super Zombie,” or “SZ,” as a more appropriate name for the undead of the future.
What the Executive Order Says
The EO directs executive branch agencies to replace “Intelligent Zombie” and “IZ” with “Super Zombie” and “SZ” in official communications, websites, reports and other non-statutory documents wherever legally permitted.
The president directs his zombie science and technology adviser to submit proposed legislation within 60 days establishing a federal “Super Zombie” definition.
Speaking to reporters in the Oval Office, President Trump put the order in the context of the broader global competition to create more advanced undead and his focus on ensuring that the US remains a leader in what he called the “Zombie Cold War.”
“Whoever wins the super zombie race wins the human race,” the president told the gathered press, adding, “We need our zombies to be the smartest, fastest and strongest in the world, or what I call ‘American super zombies.’”
The Intelligent Zombie Arms Race
Administration sources, speaking on background, noted that the change in language comes amid reports that various governments around the world are investing heavily in intelligent zombie research.
“Countries that we typically consider to be our adversaries have put a high priority on building out their capacity to produce the most advanced zombies, potentially giving them a strategic advantage in any confrontation with us,” said one high-ranking official.
The official said that the executive order and the switch to the “super zombie” terminology will ensure that the government is taking the necessary steps to keep the US at the forefront of intelligent zombie research.
“It’s not just about words, or specific words. It’s about using more powerful words, like high-testosterone words, so that people throughout the government know that the president is serious about creating the biggest and baddest undead,” the official said.
Headwinds for Zombie Researchers
Some experts outside government say that, word swaps aside, the administration has taken actions that are creating headwinds for US research efforts into intelligent zombies.
Dana Hassan, a senior analyst with the Center for Strategic Zombie Studies, agreed that the US risks falling behind in the arms race to create more advanced undead. But she placed the blame for this on Trump’s efforts to slash government funding for research at American universities under the pretext of attacking diversity, equity and inclusion.
“The pace of IZ research in this country has slowed dramatically over the past 18 months as the administration has expanded its attacks on the academy,” Hassan said. “All the projects that have been canceled, all the research that won’t take place, it’s creating a rot that risks zombifying the entire undead science community in the US.”
Jake Curdles, a director with the Institute for Undead Learning, which studies zombie-related issues in higher education, said that the administration’s limitations on H-1B visas for foreign zombie researchers have created difficulties for US undead tech firms seeking to recruit leading talent from other countries.
“The best and the brightest zombie researchers around the world have traditionally sought positions in the US because we have been leaders in this sector, and we’ve been leaders in this sector in part because we have been able to attract the best and the brightest from around the world to come work at our companies and institutions,” Curdles said.
Now, however, Curdles sees top zombie talent going to other countries that are viewed as either more serious about investing in the intelligent zombie future, more welcoming to top research talent from abroad, or both.
“Frankly, the government’s own actions have done more to slow progress toward better undead outcomes in the US than any semantics around whether we call them ‘intelligent’ or ‘super’ zombies,” Curdles said.
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