By Bulletin Staff
President Trump held an Oval Office meeting yesterday with the heads of leading undead tech firms to sign a “Super Zombie Responsibility Accord” that calls on the companies to self-govern their efforts to develop the next generation of advanced zombies.
The one-page accord calls on all companies that are developing, training or deploying so-called “intelligent zombies” to have robust processes and controls to ensure their undead behave as intended.
Companies signing onto the accord are supposed to monitor their undead subjects to ensure that they do not develop unforeseen superpowers, escape containment or otherwise threaten the public.
“Together, these steps will give each company, its customers and the public confidence that the newly unleashed zombies are performing as planned, that the risk of zombie Armageddon is minimized, and that public safety is never compromised for the sake of profits,” the accord states.
Trump also announced the creation of a “Super Zombie Force,” an interagency group charged with coordinating federal government efforts to ensure that the US is a leader in “super zombies,” his rebranding of intelligent zombies, or the next generation of brainiac brain-eaters being developed by undead tech firms.
Keeping the Dead Center Boom Alive
Argyle Zindoku, a financial analyst who tracks the undead tech sector for investment firm Rigeur & Mortese, suggested that, in bringing the CEOs of top companies in the industry to the White House to sign the accord, the president may be counting on the publicity to help overcome the public’s concerns around intelligent zombie (IZ) research.
Polls have shown broad and growing public unease over the rapid pace of IZ development, with opposition to the so-called “dead centers” that have popped up around the country to house super zombie research facilities. The dead center boom has become a major flashpoint in the upcoming US midterm elections.
US-based undead tech companies have been on a spending spree to build out dead centers across the nation, with current plans to invest up to $2.8 trillion over the next five years in the facilities, spurring a construction boom that has been a rare bright spot in an otherwise struggling US economy, Zindoku noted.
“The billions of dollars going into new dead centers are effectively propping up the economy right now, and the president can’t afford to have public opposition to new research facilities bring the dead center investment boom grinding to a halt,” Zindoku said. “It’s the only thing keeping his approval ratings from completely collapsing.”
“Pinky Promise” versus Profits
Trump has resisted calls to slow down the development of more intelligent and powerful zombies, going so far as to “rebrand” the next-gen undead as “super zombies” in an executive order last week.
The president downplayed any risks that could arise from the creation of smarter flesh eaters, saying that the undead tech leaders gathered at the White House “love our country and want America to have the most powerful zombies in the world.”
Asked by a reporter whether the executives standing behind him in the Oval Office, whose combined personal wealth totals some $7 trillion, could really be trusted to put the public’s best interests ahead of their own profits, the president simply said, “Yes.”
Later, in a post on his social media platform, the president wrote that anyone who doubted that the undead tech CEOs would honor the accord was “STUPID PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY TRAITORS.”
Undead tech CEOs at the White House to sign the accord included Jackson Song, head of Ndeadia, the leading manufacturer of key technologies used in intelligent zombie research.
Asked how the accord would be enforced and what the penalties would be for violating its terms, Song said that he viewed the accord less as a binding legal document and more as a “pinky promise” that the undead tech sector is making to the American public.
“We are, in effect, ‘pinky promising’ to put the safety of the public ahead of our profits,” Song said, adding, “And everyone knows that you never break a pinky promise.”
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